Sweet Water Mama

Series: Lyrics from a song I am currently writing.

 

eohmiller

Newborn Baby Bunny

Regular Member
1 Posts
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I've been working on this song for a really long time. I hope you like what I have on the lyrics so far!


There's her last half cigarette
it adorns her parted lips,
and the match struck to light it
glowing breathless in her lap.
 
With a pen that's lost its ink
on a window-sill in Prague
she carves "Please leave me
to my own devices, Lord."
 
I a hotel room where no one wants to live-
no choices 'cause she smokes her way through rent,
and all she drinks is water with an alcohol burn.
 
Where ya goin', mama?
Can I come with you?--breathes her lover,
and a knowing daughter turns her head
to read what's written beneath the window.
 
When she's older her regrets will be her own--
While she's dying carelessly and so alone
because her latest love is water with an alcohol burn.


These lyrics are very personal as I have known many people who struggle with alcoholism; it has ruined so many relationships of people I am close to. I tried to convey this inability to have constructive communication when alcohol is involved. Please tell me what you think!

 

 

aztec99

Newborn Baby Bunny

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What I think doesn't matter ... but since you asked I will tell you.You have expressed that you are not finished with these lyrics, but as far as I am concerned your story is complete.Of course you can add more verses and provide more detail ... in time these lyrics can grow to the length of a short story.If that is what you wish then you are correct to continue,and I am sure there are many details that you ,being the writer,are aware of that I am not.But I see a story here ... and the word choices and imagery you have created are enough for me to find this work engaging.When put to music I suspect even more so.

 

eohmiller

Newborn Baby Bunny

Regular Member
1 Posts
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What I think doesn't matter ... but since you asked I will tell you.You have expressed that you are not finished with these lyrics, but as far as I am concerned your story is complete.Of course you can add more verses and provide more detail ... in time these lyrics can grow to the length of a short story.If that is what you wish then you are correct to continue,and I am sure there are many details that you ,being the writer,are aware of that I am not.But I see a story here ... and the word choices and imagery you have created are enough for me to find this work engaging.When put to music I suspect even more so.

Thank you for your opinion! I do feel like my outline is finished, but I am one of those perfectionists who tends to overdo it with details-especially when I write lyrics. I probably should have set a time limit on this one, but it's just been in the process for so long that I have a hard time letting it end. I am glad that you found it engaging. If I get the music recorded any time soon I will put it up here!

 

Runic

Furry Adult Bunny

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1,001 Posts
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I like it, what genre are you writing this for, sounds quite accoustic rocky, I could see a band like Cheery Suede singing this (imagine Bryan Adams meet Bon Jovi), how its written I do feel your second verse doesnt feel finished (basis is the tune i get in my head)

 

eohmiller

Newborn Baby Bunny

Regular Member
1 Posts
Karma: +1/-0
I like it, what genre are you writing this for, sounds quite accoustic rocky, I could see a band like Cheery Suede singing this (imagine Bryan Adams meet Bon Jovi), how its written I do feel your second verse doesnt feel finished (basis is the tune i get in my head)

Thanks! I have mostly written as a folk artist, but recently found my sound in a kind of Spanish/ Blues/ Indie/ Rhythm style. I love to play the electric with massive reverb and a wah pedal, so it definitely approaches indie rock. This song in particular I started writing while I was still in my folk phase, so I may keep it that way, but I would like to do some electric stuff with it too if I could. As far as the second verse is concerned, those two lines that run together work as a pre-chorus, so I would probably add another verse right before then if anywhere. I'll have to look up that band, I've never heard of them.

 

Raivyn

Growing Baby Bunny

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I can relate to this and it's probably one of the deeper songs I've encountered on any of the many forums I visit. Nicely written. I can't wait to see more from you!

 

eohmiller

Newborn Baby Bunny

Regular Member
1 Posts
Karma: +1/-0
I can relate to this and it's probably one of the deeper songs I've encountered on any of the many forums I visit. Nicely written. I can't wait to see more from you!

Thank you so much! I really enjoy writing and the free therapy it provides. I will have more up soon!

 



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Elliott Miller (eohmiller) is a Regular who has made 1 posts since joining Creative Burrow on 11:57am Sun, Jul 21, 2013. eohmiller was invited by no one.

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