Creative Burrow

WorkshopBurrow => Writing Games and Activities => Topic started by: Mouse on 02:00pm Sat, Aug 18, 2012

Title: Letters you wouldn't write but maybe should.
Post by: Mouse on 02:00pm Sat, Aug 18, 2012

(I wasn't sure where to put this thread (noobdom and all that) so I plumped for here. If it's wrong could someone please pick it up and put it down in the right place? Thank you.)

This thread is inspired by this paragraph that I posted in

However, my personal bugbear is 'loose' vs. 'lose'. I like to play internet games sometimes and it always makes me angry, nay, disappointed that whoever made the game went to a load of trouble to make it run nicely and be fun to play. But they didn't think or couldn't be bothered to run a spellcheck.  I've lost count of the times I've been told, "You loose!" Argh! (Of course, I always win though. 8-) )
and this reply:

Bunny (Today at 15:24:04)
Ha ha you should post on the developers sites all offended for being called loose and comment on how you're not a whore and what not and if they didn't want females playing why didn't they just say so?Would be hysterical to read!
So this thread asks, who/what would you like to write a letter to and why? Maybe share a few lines of said proposed communication!

To get the ballrolling, here's a sample of what I would write to game developers who produce grammatically incorrect games, particularly 'loose' instead of 'lose'.

Dear webguy,

Perhaps I should I have written ' dear webguy/gal' in the name of political correctness, but you clearly don't care about such things. Anyway, I know that a girl couldn't possibly have written a game so offensive to women. Especially those who just happen to enjoy a little more sex than the average female. Don't you know it's healthy and good for your skin?

What business is it of yours to have your game stroll nonchalantly about the internet calling women loose? I'm not a slag you know. You're a slag! Shame on you!  Your game's shit anyway.

Hmm, that'll do for now.  :P
Title: Re: Letters you wouldn't write but maybe should.
Post by: Bunny on 08:23pm Sat, Aug 18, 2012
EXCELLENT!! I laughed my ass off when it said ''you're a slag!'' ha ha. I will contribute my own tonight! :D
Title: Re: Letters you wouldn't write but maybe should.
Post by: Mouse on 12:59pm Sun, Aug 19, 2012
Cool, I'm pleased it made you laugh. :) I think this could be a whole new genre for me, i.e, humorous letters to people that need a talking to, but that I don't actually have the guts to send! (A) I think I'll have a think and see who else I can rant at , find fault with write to. It doesn't have to be grammar/English related I suppose, so there's probably a few folks that I have words for!

Actually, it doesn't have to be funny, (to anyone wanting to post), you can tell a politician how much of a dickhead they are quite seriously if you want.

I'll wait for you to post first Bunny, then I may have another go. Hmm.... who to insult.  :think:
Title: Re: Letters you wouldn't write but maybe should.
Post by: Sandra Piddock on 04:31pm Sun, Aug 19, 2012
This is a favourite tactic of mine to work out frustrations - I never actually write or send the letter, but I compose it in my head, and with my sarcasm function switched to 'full on,' I can soon reduce the importance of the event to a manageable level.

A few months back, our precious motor home was 'keyed,' and we had a pretty good idea of who did it, although we had no proof. It was very upsetting to think that someone had enough hate in their heart to do that, so I got into letter writing mode. It went something like this.

Dear Mindless Motor Home Molester,

Thank you for taking the time to customise our motor home. It must have been quite difficult working in the dark, so kudos for keying it in three separate places. I hate to seem ungrateful, but I really need to point out the error of your ways.

When I saw that you had written 'f** u' on the side door, it took a while to work out whether this was a bona fide offer on your part, or just a statement. The process was not helped by you missing out the 'c.' You should know that as a freelance writer, I could not possibly consider sexual congress with someone who can't even spell.

I may have been prepared to overlook that - after all, it must be difficult to form curves with a car key in the dark. However, by resorting to textspeak instead of writing 'you' in full, I have come to the conclusion that you are just to darn lazy to show me a good time, so I'm afraid I must decline your kind offer. In any case, I'm too worn out after buffing out the marks you made on my vehicle to bounce around in the sack.

I'm afraid you'll just have to resort to a  hand job instead. That should be easy for you, because to do such a thing, you have to be a w**ker. It's such a pity your father wasn't.

Yours sincerely

A. Hacked Off Camper
Title: Re: Letters you wouldn't write but maybe should.
Post by: Mouse on 02:10pm Thu, Aug 23, 2012
Sandra, that is ace! Actually I can sympathise, I've had my car vandalised a few times.  :@ So in the spirit of solidarity, I offer this.

To the Knobchunks who have ever damaged a car of mine,

I have been very lucky in meeting several car vandals during my driving career, and seeing as I plan to continue driving for many years yet, I may even have the pleasure of meeting a few more. Idiots like yourselves only seem to be multiplying, so I have a feeling my chances are pretty good in achieving such an  aspiration.

To Knobchunk#1, I do wonder what it is that drives you (haha, I'm funny) to take it upon yourself to damage an item that is not yours to damage. I wonder if it is only due to your immense envy of my lovely, little, shit-can of a car that you chose to put your grubby, Stella-stained hands on. Slashing the two pavement side tyres of course was a genius plan. My girlfriend who is unable to walk very far, thought so too when she needed to get to her medical appointments.

Please try to see that it's not my fault that I am forced to buy the cheapest death-trap I can manage to locate. I appreciate that such 'bargains' are difficult to find and I managed to hand my money over for the pleasure of putting my life at risk, before you could. However, I don't agree with the way in which you chose to express your anger at missing out on such a wonderful rip-off. Perhaps you should have subscribed to Autotrader's 'cars under £750' RSS feed like I did.

Or possibly that wasn't your motor-vation at all. Was it your terrible upbringing?  Are you angry at the world, disenchanted with your complete lack of anything resembling morals? Did my crappy Proton with the broken tail-light and missing front-left indicator seem representative of all the wealth and opulence you will never have? A symbolic pile of the dream of mass consumerism and wanton excesses you can only get a sniff of via your knocked-off Nike tracksuit and 'reassuringly expensive' lager? I can only hope that one day you will realise how much of a prick you are and choose to change your ways.

To Knobchunk#2, I really do appreciate your inventiveness. No, really. I'm very impressed with your level of creativity. It makes gouging the bathroom silicon-sealant out from under my car's door handles so much more fun. You almost managed to pull my car's market value out of negative digits. I mean, that bright orange traffic cone on the car's roof had to be worth, what? Forty quid? Especially against the white of the rover metro's paintwork. Well, I can only compare such genius to the works of Hirst or Emin. I should have put such an original and radical sculpture on e-bay, I would have made millions out of my £400 shit-pit of a car. Although I must say, I was a little disappointed when you stopped letting my car tyres down. That foot-pump was doing wonders for my thighs.

Despite all this, I'm sure I still have no idea of what a nasty piece of work you are, though I did get a taste the day I moved. If I gave a shit about you I might offer you some advice, though it would only be for you to pray karma isn't real.

So long suckers,

Phew, that was therapeutic!
Title: Re: Letters you wouldn't write but maybe should.
Post by: Bunny on 03:57am Fri, Dec 14, 2012
Dear Sadistic Asshole,
THANK you for inventing underwire. Your half assed attempt to combat saggy boobs does its job, except when it doesnt. Like when the underwire snaps or comes out; which happens to almost every bra within the first month of wear.

I fantasize about a horde of angry women capturing you and forcing you to wear your own weapon of mass misery; a bra which has underwire that has snapped in the middle on the left side and pokes you and scratches you, drawing blood and stinging. In fact, I hope you don't even realise it's snapped at first, and just think something has bitten you. Then when you go to put your finger under your bra to find out what the hell is going on, I hope you cut your finger badly and then end up stuck in a white t-Shirt on an 8 hour bus ride with your under boob bleeding and stinging a LOT, and your finger cut open. Unable to do anything because you'll mess up your white shirt.

I fantasize that once that has happened you manage to change your bra hours later, in a dirty and dark truck stop, fearing illegal cameras, pervs, and germs as you do so. I hope you juggle with your clothing and drop your nice clean white shirt into a puddle of nasty on the floor. Unable to put it into anything because your bus is leaving, you'll have to throw it out and wear a jacket for the rest of the trip on a hot, squishy bus. The underwire on your old bra that you brought as a spare change of clothing will keep slipping out the back on each side of you. They'll poke hard into your arms. I hope it causes bruising as you go about your daily activities....made worse by the fact that you're jammed into a seat on a hot bus and to fix it you have to put your hand into your shirt in such a way that no one sees your stomach or boobs, and try to fix it. Then you'll sit there not moving but somehow the spiteful bastards will start poking you all over again, and the people beside you wont care or understand, they just think you're a squirmer who's rude and keeps putting your hands down your shirt and staring at your breasts.

Oh and I fantasise you'll consider taking it off, and maybe you do. Your boobs will sag and rub against your cuts, causing them to sting and bleed again, and since you're stuck in a jacket they'll be dripping sweat down your belly and sticking to you like crazy. Enjoy that feeling, asshole.

Best wishes,
A victim of your torture device